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Alyssa

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* * *
reoccuring theme in every aspect of my life
* * *
I feel ashamed, again and again
Nothing to give, and no one to blame
During the day, I guess I'm okay.

At night, I sit by your side
Waiting for you, to give me a sign
I'm counting the days...
Nothing to say.

I hope I can sit still and stay the same
to stop the bleeding inside and feel again
to cut the chain of lies
You've been feeding my veins
I've got nothing to say to you.

* * *
figured bass. haha no.

yes.

let me realize yours.

* * *
an stop trying so hard to be "normal" because i'm not that weird
* * *
how exquisitely the tendrils of smoke circled like halos over some unknown god

moment of truth

i can get on the freeway, stay on surface streets, or take the back road that switch backs.
to bad i'm not the one in the drivers seat

sit back and watch what happens, even though you already have an idea what that will be

fernando pessoa is my hero.

keep your head down they might not see you.
"if can see, that means i'm still alive"

Current Music:
theres beauty in the break down
* * *
* * *
on christmas morning
outside it was pouring
all was hopeless in this home
and no one speaking
no one creeping
to see if she was on the phone
and you were quiet
this routine riot is all but practical to me
and if we see it why can't we be it?
can we let eachother be?

forget december
it won't be better than i remember it before
and this month only
would be so lonely
and not so homely anymore

new years eve came
but nothing had changed
all the problems just got worse
we sat in silence
the routine science could heal the sickness we reherse
and if im talking
my words are mocking
the deaf ears they have fallen on
these words are tainted
with years of jaded
in a sense thats all but gone

on christmas morning
outside it was pouring
all was hopeless in this home

Current Mood:
cold cold
* * *
need is always pending on how much you can get
* * *
I Sleep a Lot by Czeslaw Milosz
I sleep a lot and read St. Thomas Aquinas
Or The Death of God (that's a Protestant book).
To the right the bay as if molten tin,
Beyond the bay, city, beyond the city, ocean,
Beyond the ocean, ocean, till Japan.
To the left dry hills with white grass,
Beyond the hills an irrigated valley where rice is grown,
Beyond the valley, mountains and Ponderosa pines,
Beyond the mountains, desert and sheep.

When I couldn't do without alcohol, I drove myself on alcohol,
When I couldn't do without cigarettes and coffee, I drove myself
On cigarettes and coffee.
I was courageous. Industrious. Nearly a model of virtue.
But that is good for nothing.

I feel a pain.
not here. Even I don't know.
many islands and continents,
words, bazaars, wooden flutes,
Or too much drinking to the mirror, without beauty,
Though one was to be a kind of archangel
Or a Saint George, over there, on St. George Street.
Please, Doctor,
Not here. No,
Maybe it's too
Unpronounced

Please, Medicine Man, I feel a pain.
I always believed in spells and incantations.
Sure, women have only one, Catholic, soul,
But we have two. When you start to dance
You visit remote pueblos in your sleep
And even lands you have never seen.
Put on, I beg you, charms made of feathers,
Now it's time to help one of your own.
I have read many books but I don't believe them.
When it hurts we return to the banks of certain rivers.

I remember those crosses with chiseled suns and moons
And wizards, how they worked during an outbreak of typhus.
Send your second soul beyond the mountains, beyond time.
Tell me what you saw, I will wait.
* * *
She seems dressed in all the rings
Of past fatalities
So fragile, yet so devious
She continues to see
Climatic hands that press her temples and my chest
Enter the night that she came home... Forever

Oh... She's the only one that makes me sad

She is everything and more... The solemn hypnotic
My Dahlia, bathed in possesion
She is home to me
I get nervous, perverse, when I see her it's worse
But the stress is astounding
It's now or never
She's coming home... Forever

Hard to say what caught my attention
Fixed and crazy... Aphid attraction
Carve my name in my face... To recognize
Such a pheromone cult to terrorize

I wont let this build up inside of me

I'm a slave and I am a master
No restraints and unchecked collectors
I exist through my needs... to self-oblige
She is something in me that I despise

She isn't real
I can't make her real

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